Bend there, done that

This is a story about a 40-something bachelor I know who shall be named "Hank." Those of us who know Hank either appreciate, or are creeped out by, his peculiar ways. He is taller than most people, has a husky voice and has a penchant for "hippie dancing."

Here's an example of his funny social skills. Pouty and I saw him at Safeway one night when I was dressed in sweats and a fleece, had my hair in a messy pony tail, glasses and no makeup. Months before, Hank had told me that he could never date girls like me because we're too "high-maintenance." In other words, he didn't believe that I wear no makeup on weekends (unless I'm going out, obvs).

Me: "Hi, Hank. Hank? Hank. It's me. Hi."
Hank: "Oh, whoa. I totally didn't recognize you at first. You look...so...normal."
Pouty: "Ha!"
Hank: "Sorry, dude, she usually looks so..."
Pouty: "No, I think it's awesome."

Hank has a special place in my heart because he likes to unload his relationship troubles on me. He's finding it hard negotiating the High Desert dating scene and locate a woman who shares his interests and who doesn't have baggage. Ah, the universal issues of dating.

I thought, however, that Hank had found his special someone. So did he. She was everything he wanted and they enjoyed three perfect dates this month. Yesterday, I asked him how date #4 went. He said he had awesome 4th and 5th dates, but then she started acting all distant and weird.

He asked why and she admitted to still being hung up on her ex-boyfriend. Boo! Hank was heartbroken. Why does this always happen, he wondered?

So he went home and wrote down his 10 Rules of Dating. He said he'd started thinking of them in high school and college, but now he committed them to paper. He realized that he'd broken many of his rules.

Hank printed out the list for me. I love hearing these things from a guy's point of view. Paolo, feel free to use these as you begin breaking hearts all over Seattle:

Rule 1: always get a kiss on the first date.
Rule 2: always trust your gut feelings about somebody.
Rule 3: no chasing her after three dates.
Rule 4: no shagging on the first date. If you don't get any after at most 10 dates, she's probably a transvestite.
Rule 5: never take anyone's advice on dating, especially from married people.
Rule 6: only go out with people who are already happy and only go out when you are happy.
Rule 7: protect yourself at all costs, never let yourself be a punching bag, a soccer ball or a shoulder to cry on. When she's done, you'll get the "you're nice, let's be friends" line as she walks out the door.
Rule 8: always play by your own rules and play like a champion.
Rule 9: always make eye contact and show interest.
Rule 10: make sure she likes to dance and go dancing.

To top it all off, Hank calculated that he had spent $180.05 on this chick. Ben Folds' "Song for the Dumped" comes to mind..."Wish I hadn't bought you dinner right before you dumped me on your front porch. Give me my money back..."